Table of contents:
- How do you explain divorce to children?
- 1. Choose the right time
- 2. Explaining together with a partner
- 3. Say words of affection
- 4. Make an easy explanation
- 5. Avoid demonizing the partner in front of the child
- Things you need to know about your child's feelings
When we decide to get married, it has become our dream to build a home with a partner who has the same vision and mission. However, sometimes not all dreams are achieved immediately, sometimes we have to go through unpleasant times to arrive at our real goals. Every married couple does not want to end in divorce, especially when they already have a baby. Separation may not be the best solution, but it is the only thing that can be done when the fighting continues and has no common ground.
Hearing their parents fight every day can hurt a child's heart. Parental separation can also break a child's heart. If separation is inevitable, the next step you should think about is to think about how to explain it to your child. It is difficult for children to see from the point of view of you and your partner, so here are things you can consider.
How do you explain divorce to children?
Explaining divorce to a child cannot be flattened the same way. You need to know your child's personality. The language used when explaining to a 6 year old child will be different from explaining it to a 15 year old child. Here's how you can try:
1. Choose the right time
When divorce is just a plan, you shouldn't need to tell your child, as this can confuse your child. When you and your partner do finally agree to separate, and one of them will leave the house, then then you should explain why. Think about an appropriate time and situation when you would tell the news. Even if there are not really good times, your child should stay focused on school, his daily activities, etc.
However, you can choose when your child is less emotionally depressed (heavy assignments, school exams). There is a part of the brain that continues to have bad events, so when you are going to explain to your child about the news of the breakup, the wound will probably remain in his memory, for how long. So it is not uncommon for children to be traumatized when they learn about the reality of their parents' divorce. Choosing a time and situation needs to be done. Set your mood too, even if you are still not feeling well after the separation. Make sure you are there when your child is feeling sad and alone.
2. Explaining together with a partner
Even though you are separated, you and your partner still have a role as parents. Being a parent is like working on a team. Explaining your breakup together can avoid confusion for your child, and the child will not only hear one version of the story. According to Paul Coleman, psychologist and author How to Say It to Your Kids , quoted by the Baby Center, this can also maintain the child's trust in both of you.
Even when you have more than one child, don't just explain it to the first child, then assign the task to her to tell her siblings about the parents' separation. It's best to get the whole family together so there are no secrets. Don't assume how they will react, let them show how they feel. However, you can think of questions they might be asked, so that you have "neutral" sounding answers to say.
3. Say words of affection
Even though it sounds easy, your child should know that you and your ex-partner love them. The expression of affection will be a message that the most important thing is that his parents' love for him has not changed at all. Express that you and your ex will be involved in their development (children). Say also that this is not the child's fault, it has nothing to do with it. Children may conclude that the separation was caused by them.
4. Make an easy explanation
If your child is young, it is best to reduce details about the story you want to tell. For example, you could start with, "Mom and dad have made a deal." Then, you can reveal that one of you is moving into a new house. For example, “Dad decided to move over to my uncle's house because he needed time to think about something. You can still see Dad when you are off. We will also play together. But, for now, I have to stay with my uncle first. " Make sure you also have answers to the child's questions after the explanation.
5. Avoid demonizing the partner in front of the child
It's not easy when you and your ex-spouse's relationship is still tenuous, but no matter how much you get angry, don't let your emotions take over by telling your children about your ex-spouse's mistakes, financial problems, or things that put your ex-partner into a corner. Also avoid arguing in front of your children. According to Rachel Sarah, a mother and book author Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and other Dispatches of the Dating World , quoted by the Baby Center website, always remember that the child is still part of the father, whatever happens it will not change.
Things you need to know about your child's feelings
When deciding to separate, you need to consider a few things about what the child wants. Here are some of the possible assumptions cited from the University of Missouri research sources:
- Your child hopes that both of you will stay involved in their life. Like still texting, calling, visiting each other, and telling stories like children and parents. When one doesn't want to get involved, he feels neglected and unimportant.
- He doesn't want the two of you to fight, all he wants is to agree with each other's opinions. Especially when you argue about things related to your child, it will make him feel guilty.
- He wants to keep loving you and enjoying time together. So, keep giving support and enjoy time with the children.
- He wanted direct communication, not through intermediaries.
- When you are with him and talking about your ex-partner, don't tell him bad things, this will make your child feel resentful. Either he will side with you or even side with the ex-partner. Try to stay neutral.
