Why does the victim of the household stay in an abusive relationship?

"Why doesn't she just separate from her husband?" Maybe comments like this sometimes appear when hearing the news that someone has become a victim of domestic violence (KDRT).

For people who have never experienced domestic violence, it is quite difficult to understand why most victims still want to live with their partners abusive or commit violence. Even though by knowing the reasons why victims of domestic violence persist in their violent marriages, you can help that person get out of the trap of violence.

Domestic violence is a cycle of violence

Victims of domestic violence stay in abusive relationships or marriages with the hope that their situation will improve one day. According to the psychologist and founder of the social theory of the cycle of violence, Lenore E. Walker, domestic violence is a predictable pattern.

That is, cases of violence occur following a recurring cycle. This cycle starts from the emergence of problems in relationships, for example financial problems or fights about children. Usually at this stage the victim tries to improve the situation by giving in or obeying the wishes of his partner.

If the effort fails, go to the second stage, namely violence. In this stage the perpetrator will torture or oppress the victim as punishment or emotional outlet. The victim may unconsciously think that he deserves this reward because he failed to solve the problem.

After being satisfied with committing acts of violence, the perpetrator feels guilty and apologizes to the victim. The perpetrator may give gifts, flirt with sweet words, or promise the victim not to repeat the act again. In some cases, the perpetrators pretended not to know, as if the violence had never happened. This stage is known as the honeymoon.

Then enter the fourth stage, which is tranquility. Usually the victim and the perpetrator will spend their days like a couple in general. They may eat together or have sex as usual. However, when a problem arises, the pair will re-enter the first stage. As soon as it continues, this cycle will rotate without stopping.

The reason domestic violence victims stay in a relationship abusive

At this point you may wonder what makes victims feel at home in such a terrifying cycle. According to experts, there are seven main reasons.

1. Shame

Victims of domestic violence persist because they feel that divorce or separation will be a shame for them. Especially if people find out that their partner is cruel. In fact, he was ashamed because he failed to maintain the harmony of his household.

2. Feeling guilty

There are also victims who feel guilty when they leave their partner. Instead, he felt that his partner's tantrums and cruelty were caused by his own actions. For example, a wife feels that she deserves to be beaten by her husband because she came home at night without permission. This mistaken thinking is actually the victim's self-defense mechanism so that she doesn't get too stressed.

3. Threatened

The perpetrator may threaten to kill, hurt, or disturb the life of the victim and the victim's family if he is willing to leave the perpetrator. Because they are afraid of the threat, it becomes difficult for the victim to think clearly, let alone seek help.

4. Economic dependence

Many victims of domestic violence survive because they depend financially on the perpetrator. The victim was afraid that if he left the perpetrator, he would not be able to support himself or his children.

5. Social or spiritual pressure

Women victims of domestic violence often receive social or spiritual pressure to stay in their marriages even though they are full of violence. The reason is, in certain cultures or religions women must obey their husbands. Victims who take these values ​​for granted will then believe that it is appropriate for her to obey her husband.

6. Already have children

Victims of domestic violence may not want to leave their marriage because they think about their child's future. He is afraid that his divorce or separation will make the child's fate uncertain. For the good of the child, he chose to stay.

7. Depression

Depression that attacked victims of domestic violence made him unable to act, defend himself, let alone leave a partner. The perpetrator also usually restrains the victim so that the victim cannot seek help from the family, the police, or foundations protecting victims of violence. As a result, the victim feels increasingly isolated and has no other choice.