Suspect your partner is manipulative? recognize the 6 danger signs & bull; hello healthy

"Ah, you're making it up."

"Don't be silly, I mean not like that."

"Who says it? I've never done that. Don't accuse carelessly, OK?"

"Why do you blame me? I have already said… "- I never did.

Do you often hear these sentences spoken from your partner's mouth, making you doubt yourself? If so, the problem may not be with you. Your partner may be using an undercover manipulation tactic known as gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?

The term “gaslighting” comes from an old drama called Gaslight, in which husbands try to drive their wives crazy by turning off their house lights and then denying that there is something wrong with the lights when their wives ask about it.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes the victim to question himself, his instincts, and sanity, giving the perpetrator the power and control to control the victim. The perpetrator takes various ways to make you, the victim, feel guilty and inadequate by being defensive (rejecting reality), manipulating, underestimating, and suspecting the victim.

Gaslighting is common when the victim realizes or knows something about the perpetrator that she doesn't want to admit to. When the victim tries to discuss it, the perpetrator insists on denying the reality and changing the accusation towards the victim, thereby changing the victim's and public's perception that he is the real victim in the situation. Gaslighting is more than just disapproval - your reality is rejected outright, is considered impossible or absurd by tone of voice and innuendo, or even blatantly accuses you of being "crazy". And because you are sincerely willing to reflect on your mistakes in order to defend your relationship, you will start to doubt yourself.

Also, because only the perpetrator knows what's really going on, there will be a very clear pattern of behavior that you know is a lie but it's still convincing. As a result, you only accept one party's interpretation of reality: the perpetrator. Over time, you feel anxious and confused all the time, isolated, depressed, and even have a distorted understanding of reality. It's not that you literally believe you are going to go crazy completely, but rather that you doubt your own version of it is correct.

Gaslighting can occur between superior-subordinate, parent-child relationships, even between friends, but is most commonly found in romantic relationships. Men and women can be victims and perpetrators.

Behavior often associated with gaslighting

1. Delay

Your partner either pretends not to understand or simply refuses to listen to you. He might say, "I don't want to hear about this problem again."

2. Refuse

Your partner will question your memory, even if you believe you know what happened. He will say, for example, “No, no way. You are wrong. You're forgetful, "or" You're making it up. It never happened."

3. Divert the conversation

Your partner ends the conversation by silencing you or ignoring you by saying, “Who said that? This guy? That guy? Where is the proof? Don't want to be influenced by the same…"

4. Underestimate

Your partner makes you feel inferior, helpless, constantly says you are too sensitive, or “Are you nagging for such a trivial thing? Seriously!"

Your partner's danger signs are manipulative

Once the manipulation tactics have succeeded in destroying the victim's perceptions and self-confidence, the victim is more likely to stay in the relationship abusive it is because he no longer believes that he can survive without an offender.

Here are signs of a manipulative partner that you should be aware of:

1. You often feel confused and confused

Gaslighting erases your ability to think rationally and critically in almost every situation. The abuser tends to question every little thing you do, even going as far as denying the things you (and he!) Clearly remember happening - including the promises he made to you.

If your partner often puts you down and twists the facts so that you seem irrational and unreasonable, this is a danger signal that he or she is gaslighting. Plus, if you're so confused that you feel like you've lost your mind, this is also a sign to watch out for.

2. You wonder if you are too sensitive

A gaslighter's favorite tactic is to accuse his partner of being overly emotional, exaggerated, and sensitive whenever you express your dislike for his behavior or something. The victims end up believing that what they are accused of is true after hearing it millions of times.

This behavior does not acknowledge your identity and feelings as an individual, and it belittles the wrongdoer of the offender - if it happens in the long run it will be toxic to your relationship, regardless of whether your partner is gaslighting or not.

3. You often doubt yourself

Gaslighting victims begin to trust the perpetrator's perception of reality rather than their own beliefs. "Those in a higher position seek to shape the reality of the weaker party - and the victim is in a vulnerable position to allow this manipulation to occur and erase the logic," said Dr. Robin Stern Ph.D, licensed psychotherapist, quoted from Psychology Today.

4.You always apologize for what happened (even if you weren't wrong)

Even if you insist on defending yourself and providing the facts, you always end arguments and arguments with apologies - even though you know for sure that you were right and your partner was wrong? Gaslighters will continue to look for ways to point fingers and make you a scapegoat, so that in the long run, it will make you wonder if you are worthy enough as a companion, to anyone.

And if you're not involved in an argument, the perpetrator will exaggerate trivial mistakes, such as accusing you of not caring for him and caring for him or her when buying the wrong brand of toothpaste.

5. You often make excuses for your partner's behavior

Perhaps the most obvious and common sign of gaslighting is when a close friend or family member begins to doubt your partner's behavior and "good intentions" - outsiders will always notice signs of abuse more quickly. As a victim, you are putting yourself in the position of your partner's "spokesperson", struggling to justify his actions every time to everyone; things like, "Well, he's just like that, but he's actually really nice" or "He's just again bad mood ," etc. Or, even lie to friends and family to avoid having to continually clarify his every action.

6. You are always on high alert and try to predict everything

Being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship means that you are constantly on the verge of "life and death," always aware that something is bound to happen. You will almost never know when you will be presented with a recent accusation or a version of reality that is far from what you believe.

Predicting the future is when you become so cautious about making comments or acting, trying to think hard about how what you do might be misinterpreted. When you are under a gaslighting attack, you become so obsessed with the idea of ​​gaining trust, that you ended up doing the right thing that you don't stop for a moment to think, "Wait a minute, it looks like something was wrong with what he said."

Predicting what will happen like a weather forecast is futile because the idea of ​​keeping yourself free from accusations even when you have done everything perfectly to avoid criticism, gaslighting will still happen. Your partner will go as far as possible to make sure you can't predict the outcome.

What to do if you suspect your partner is manipulative?

If you feel you are involved in a relationship abusive , get professional help if you don't get better after doing your best to "tame" your partner's outburst. Another possible strategy you can do: don't wait on your partner when he starts nagging and pointing fingers. Sometimes, silence is a good weapon.

Healthy partner fights involve both parties defending each other's beliefs, discussing how to reach the middle ground, rather than giving up self-esteem and individual thoughts in order to feel loved. This is why couples involved in gaslighting relationships never feel close.

If the situation doesn't reverse, be prepared to leave your partner - even though it can take a lot of hard work. The good news is, there is hope. Relationship abusive not a life sentence.

If you think you may be a victim of gaslighting or other forms of emotional or physical abuse, call the National Commission on Violence Against Women (Komnas Perempuan) complaint hotline at + 62-21-3903963.